Modern Family Transcripts

Archive for the ‘Season 1’ Category

Scene: Hospital

Jay: Do we know anything?

Mitchell: Oh, no, they’re in there now with the doctor. We’re lucky, though – the paramedics said it could’ve been a lot worse.

Jay: My god, how did this even happen?

Scene: A few hours earlier at Claire & Phil’s house

Phil: There he is! Big day’s coming up. What do you want for your birthday, big god?

Luke: It’s okay; I’m good.

Phil: Come on. The sky’s the limit. Dream big, my boy.

Luke: Well, I guess I could use a belt.

Claire: A belt?

Luke: Yeah, you’re right. I don’t need it. The extension cord works pretty good.


Phil: Every year, Luke’s birthday falls right around Thanksgiving, and so it gets lost in the holiday shuffle.

Claire: Yeah, one year we forgot completely and we had to improvise a cake of stuffing.

Phil: Which, by the way, he was fine with. He’s one of those kids: you get him a gift and all he want to do is play with the box.

Claire: Yeah, one year we actually just… got him a box. A really nice box.

Phil: And we made the mistake of putting it in a gift bag.

Claire: So he played with the gift bag.

Phil: …We can’t get it right.

Claire: No.

(Cut back to scene)

Phil: I feel terrible.

Claire: Oh…

Phil: We’ve got to do something.

Claire: Yeah… Um, well, you know the family is gonna be together for Thanksgiving for the first time in I-don’t-even-know-how-long, so…

Phil: I am so with you. We should blow this out and throw Luke the best birthday party of all time.

Claire: Yes! Yes, we’ll order a whole bunch of pizzas and, and then set up an arts and crafts table.

Phil: A what?

Claire: Y-yeah, a crafts table! You know, everybody… gathers around and they make stuff and then bam! They’ve got their own party favour.

Phil: (snorts) Sorry, I fell asleep while you were describing the most boring party ever. (gets hit by Claire) Ow!

Scene: Cameron & Mitchell’s house

Cameron: See you in a few hours.

Phil: Yeah. Thanks again karaoke machine. I’ll give it back to you right after the party.

Cameron: That’ll be great.

Mitchell: (whispers to Phil) Please don’t. I beg you. Don’t… don’t bring it back.

Phil: (whispers back) Oh.

Cameron: Hey Phil. Are, uh, you getting a clown for today?

Phil: Oh… no. Luke, uh, Luke’s not much of a clown fan.

Cameron: …Really?

Phil: Yeah, he never liked them.

Cameron: Has he ever seen a good one?

Phil: Has… has anyone? Really, so… thanks again.

Cameron: See you later. (after Phil is gone) No clown? No… no clown?

Mitchell: Let it go.

Cameron: Who throws a party without a clown?

Mitchell: Since the later 30s, I’d say most people.

Cameron: You know what? We haven’t gotten Luke a present yet. Maybe a clown could be our present.

Mitchell: Cameron, Cameron… If Phil and Claire wanted to get Luke a clown, they would have. But this is not our party.

Cameron: But-

Mitchell: This is not. Our. Party.

Cameron: But I ju… fine. What would you suggest we get him then?

Mitchell: Mhhh, get him a gift card.

Cameron: …A gift card?

Mitchell: Yeah.

Cameron: Who hurt you?

Scene: Jay & Gloria’s house

Jay: Hey Gloria, you got any idea how to wrap one of these things?

Gloria: Is that a crossbow?

Jay: Yeah. Am I the greatest grandpa in the world or what?

Gloria: We can’t give Luke a crossbow. He pokes himself in the eye everytime he uses a straw.

Jay: Are you kidding? I used to have one when I was his age. My dad used to give me a quarter for every crow I bagged.

Gloria: And I used to have a machete. But times have changed.

Jay: He’ll be fine. I’ll teach him how to use it. (Manny enters) Hey pal. How’s it going?

Manny: Am I charming?

Jay: Oh boy…

Gloria: Of course you’re charming! Who said you were not charming?

Manny: No one. But there is a girl at my school and I want her to like me. I need your advice, Jay.

Jay: Really?

Manny: She’s gonna be at Luke’s party.

Jay: Well, I’m… a little thrown. I mean, you don’t usually come to me for advice.

Manny: Well, this is one area in which you’ve done pretty well.

Gloria: He has a point.

Manny: I’ve tried everything to get her attention: opening doors, having her milk sent over in the cafeteria… but nothing’s worked.

Jay: Here’s the deal: girl’s don’t go for all that romantic stuff. They go for power and success, and sine you don’t have either one of those things, you’re gonna be the funny guy.

Scene: Claire & Phil’s house

Phil: No, no. No, no, no. I want the most dangerous reptile you’ve got.

Tanya: I have an iguana that, uh, eats crickets.

Phil: That would be scary if it was a birthday party for crickets. Seriously. Jungle Tanya, I need you to step it up a notch. Is there anything that scares the coocoo out of you?

Tanya: Um, not really. I do have a bearded dragon.

Phil: Oooh. Does it-

Tanya: No, it does not breathe fire.

Phil: Well then, we’re back to square one, aren’t we?


Cameron: I couldn’t get Luke out of my mind. I know I made a promise to Mitchell, but… some things are bigger than promises. Fizbo would be at that party. (looks in mirror after applying make-up) Hello, old friend.

Scene: Hospital

Hayley: It all happened so fast.

Jay: I keep thinking there is something I could’ve done.

Mitchell: No, don’t blame yourself. Who could’ve possibly seen that coming?

Scene: A few hours earlier outside Claire & Phil’s house

Claire: Sweety, that’s a rock wall. Is that even safe? Oh my god.

Phil: Honey, relax. (to guy setting up rock wall) Hey, has anyone ever gotten hurt on one of these things?

Guy: I dunno, man. It’s my first day.

Phil: See? They wouldn’t let the new guy do it if it was-

Claire: That did not make me feel better.

Phil: Don’t worry. I signed, like, a hundred releases.

Claire: When did we decide all this? I… I think it’s too much.

Phil: See, I knew you’d say that. That’s why I didn’t tell you, so just relax. Grab a snow cone.

Claire: There’s a snow cone machine?

Phil: Yeah.

Hayley: Mom, just so you know, Dylan can’t have mayonnaise.

Claire: That’s random. Why are you telling me that?

Hayley: Uh, ’cause he’s coming to the party?

Claire; Is that absolutely necessary?

Hayley: W-

Alex: Yes, because she can’t go ten minutes withouut her boyfriend’s tongue in her mouth. It’s like he’s feeding a baby bird.

Hayley: Mhhh, don’t be so jealous. I’m sure you’ll meet someone super-hot at computer camp.

Claire: Girls.

Phil: Hey, hey… (girls leave) So, what’cha got there?

Claire: Oh, these are supplies for the crafts table. I finally figured out what we’re gonna be making.

Phil: Kids bored? Haha, I’m teasing, I’m teasing. It looks good. What is it?

Claire: Comb sheaths. I know, I know… but we made them when I was eleven years old at Donna Rigby’s birthday party. At first we thought it was really stupid, and then we had a blast, so…

Phil: How could you not? You combined the two things that kids love the most: combs and sheaths. (Claire walks off) I’m kidding!


Claire: Where’s my comb? Ah ha, here it is! In my incredibly convenient beaded comb sheath that I made at Luke’s awesome birthday party. Hole in one, Mrs Dunphy. Hole in one.

Scene: Cameron & Mitchell’s house

Mitchell: I’m home! I got Luke a video game, but it’s about math, so… I guess we’re those kind of uncles. Cam?

Cameron: (enters in a clown outfit) Don’t be mad.

Mitchell: Oh… Cam… (sighs)


Cameron: I’ve known I wanted to be a clown since I found out clowns are just people with make-up. Um, as a matter of fact, by the time I was a teenager, if I wasn’t in school or fishing, I was clowning. There are four types of clowns: a tramp, an Auguste, a whiteface and a character. I am a classically-trained Auguste clown named Fizbo. What?

Mitchell: N-nothing. Between the clowning and the fishing, I’m surprised you had time for the schooling. (looks at Cameron) Ah, and there’s the fifth type: the sad clown.

Cameron: A sad clown is a tramp… so there’s still only four types.

(Cut back to scene)

Mitchell: Cam, I thought we discussed this.

Cameron: We did, but I… I started thinking that this isn’t about you or me. This is about a little boy who deserves some happiness.

Mitchell: And he’s gonna get that from his weird, gay clown uncle?

Cameron: Fizbo is not gay; he’s asexual.

Mitchell: Ah…

Cameron: He’s an innocent whose only drive is to bring people joy and laughter and balloon animals. He’s… he’s the least sexual being on earth.

Mitchell: Ah. Oh, okay, well at least we agree on something. Yeah.

Scene: Birthday party at Claire & Phil’s house

Phil: (while taping) If this tape is found in the future, this is how we humans celebrated birthdays.

Luke: (sliding down) Hey dad!

Phil: Yeah, there’s my boy. Zipline, extreme- (gets knocked over by Luke) Oof! I’m okay, I’m good, I’m good. Lesson learned: don’t stand… don’t stand there. Let’s go and rope this area off. Excellent, thank you! Hey buddy. You having fun?

Luke: Yeah! And I love my new belt.

Claire: Hey Luke! Luke, do you wanna make a comb sheath?

Luke: A what?

Claire: It’s a cool leather holder for your comb, and you can decorate it. I’ve got beads and, and all kinds of stuff. Do you want to?

Luke: Nah. I’m gonna do rock wall. (walks off)

Claire: Okay honey. It’s your day!

Phil: Honey, let me know if you get low on supplies; I’ll make a quick round back to the 1950s for you. (gets knocked over by girl sliding down) Again?! Seriously! Zipline guys, just… some ropes.

Scene: Cameron & Mitchell’s car

Cameron: Did you remember to switch the lights to the dryer?

Mitchell: Ugh. No, I forgot.

Cameron: They’re gonna smell musty.

Mitchell: I know; I’m sorry. (stops at gas station)

Cameron: I’ll pump.

Mitchell: No. No, I’ll do it. You stay right here. Relax.

Cameron: Oh, I get it. You’re worried about people seeing me.

Mitchell: Without question.

Cameron: You know, people are gonna stare ’cause they’re not used to seeing one clown in a car.

Scene: Luke’s birthday party

Manny: That’s her. Bianca Douglas.

Gloria: She’s so cute.

Manny: She has good handwriting. She’s the complete package. Wish me luck.

Jay: You don’t need luck. You just remember those jokes I told you.

Manny: (walks up to Bianca) We have to stop meeting like this.

Bianca: What?

Manny: We go to school together.

Bianca: Oh, yeah!

Manny: Do you like jokes?

Bianca: Sure.

Manny: Great. Okay, so a grasshopper named Gary walks into a bar- ugh, no! You’re not supposed to know his name. Let me try another one. Knock knock.

Bianca: Who’s there?

Manny: Interrupting cow.

Bianca: Interrupting cow who?

Manny: Moo. Oh, crap.

Scene: Gas station

Mitchell: (gets bumped by car) Um, hey!

Driver: Hey yourself. Move!

Mitchell: You kinda just bumped me with your car.

Driver: I don’t think so.

Mitchell: No… no, you did because, um, see, yeah, I’ve got grease on my pants, and then also I felt it.

Driver: Call an ambulance.

Mitchell: Okay. I just thought you might wanna know in case you wanna be a decent human being and apologise, but… No? Okay. Ass.

Driver: What did you say?

Mitchell: …Just forget about it, alright?

Driver: Listen Carrot Top. I didn’t touch you, so do the smart thing: shut your hole, get in your car an drive away.

Fizbo: Is there a problem here?

Driver: …What the hell are you?

Fizbo: I’m the ass-kicking clown that will twist you like a balloon animal. I will beat your head against this bumper until the airbags deploy, so apologise to my boyfriend right now!

Driver: Apologi… boyfriend?

Fizbo: Apologise!

Driver: Okay! I’m sorry. (Fizbo points to Mitchell) I’m sorry. (walks off)

Fizbo: Let’s go; we’re gonna be late.

Scene: Jumping castle at Luke’s party

Gloria: Mind if I come in?

Manny: Sure.

Gloria: Come here. (Manny sits closer) Why you bounce so sad?

Manny: I told all my jokes. It turns out, I’m not the funny guy.

Gloria: The right girl will find you when it’s time. Even though I’m gonna hate losing you to another woman.

Manny: You’ll never lose me, mom. I’ll always love you no matter what.

Gloria: You see right there. You need no tricks. Just be the sweet, wonderful little boy that you are.

Manny: Sweet little boy. I got it. She won’t know what hit her.

Scene: Crafts table at Luke’s party

Claire: Hey Manny. Wanna make a comb sheath?

Manny: Now would be the worst time, Claire.

Phil: (walks over) Oh, it’s so peaceful and quiet over here.

Claire: Har har. If you came over here to gloat, I already know it’s dud.

Phil: I actually came to give you this. (give Claire snow cone) It’s your favourite flavour: blue.

Claire: Thanks, honey.

Phil: And your hair looks really nice.

Claire: Mhhh, thanks. I’ve been combing it all day.

Scene: Room at Luke’s party

Tanya: Alright, let’s all give Luke a big hand for being so brave.

Luke: (with lizard on his head) It feels so weird. What does it eat.

Tanya: Oh, just little boy brains!

Alex: Well, at least Luke’s got nothing to worry about.

Dylan: Is there mayo in this?

Hayley: No, you’re good. So, I was thinking we could go slip away-

Tanya: So, does anyone wanna pet the iguana?

Dylan: Hells yes! (walks to front) Ah, me. I love lizards. What’s his name?

Tanya: Her name is Lizzy.

Dylan: Oh, I totally get that.

Alex: (to Hayley) You don’t deserve this.

Hayley: What?

Alex: Hot reptile chick. You know, probably has her own apartment. Obviously okay touching gross stuff…

Hayley: They’re just talking.

Alex: You’re right. Dylan’s far too sophisticated to get sucked in by a single lady with tons of cool tattoos.

Dylan: Hey, I think it peed on me!

Tanya: Oh, no! (touches Dylan’s arm)

Dylan: No way. I can’t believe it does that.

Scene: Jumping castle at Luke’s party

Jay: (to men gathered around) Hey, what am I missing, guys? Ah geez, Gloria.

Gloria: (jumping up and down) Jay, look! I go high! Look, look!

Jay: Guys, hit the road. Come on, you’re family men. Come on, stat.

Scene: Rock wall at Luke’s party

Phil: Great job, buddy. Now comes the fun part: repell down.

Luke: It’s really high.

Phil: You have nothing to fear but fear itself… and the concrete. But I’m here, buddy.

Luke: Okay. Just catch me.


Phil: I am brave. Rollercoasters? Love ’em. Scary movies? I’ve seen Ghostbusters, like, seven times. I regularly drive through neighbourhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah, I’m pretty much not afraid of anything…

(Cut back to scene)

Fizbo: (arrives at party) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey everybody! Quite your clowning around ’cause that’s my job!


Phil: …except clowns. Never shared that with the fam, so shhh. I do have an image to maintain. I am not sure where the fear comes from. My mother says it’s because when I was a kid, I found a dead clown in the woods, but… who knows?

(Cut back to scene)

Fizbo: Hey- oh! Well, you must be the birthday boy.

Luke: Wow! Is that you, uncle Cam?

Fizbo: Oh, I’m Fizbo the clown! I dunno who this uncle Cam is, but he sounds handsom, doesn’t he? Hey, who like balloon animals?

Kids: I do, I do!

Phil: (mumbles) Fiz-Cam. Fiz-Cam.

Mitchell: You alright?

Phil: What? Yeah, I have some kind of a… complicated relationship with clowns.

Mitchell: Oh. Well, join the club.

Scene: Room at Luke’s party

Manny: Look… I came on strong with that whole funny guy bit. This is me just being myself.

Bianca: Okay. Hey, do you know who that boy is over there?

Manny: Oh, that’s Dylan. He’s Hayley’s boyfriend.

Bianca: He’s so cute and tall.

Manny: I’m still growing. Gimme a break. (walks off)

Fizbo: (enters) Pardon me, miss, but this little doggy needs a new home.

Bianca: Oh, thank you!

Jay: That’s quite an impressive get-up you got there.

Fizbo: Thank you, Jay. Oh, by the way, you have something on your shoulder. (places “Something” rubber toy on Jay’s shoulder)

Jay: (laughs) Oh, that’s good.

Fizbo: (places “Nothing” rubber toy on Jay’s shoulder) Never mind; it was nothing.

Jay: We’re done here. (walks off)

Dylan: So… do you keep these in, like, a zoo or something?

Tanya: No, I just keep them at my place.

Dylan: That’s awesome. Only have a cat.

Tanya: Yeah? I used to have a cat.

Alex: I was just messing with you before, but… seriously, he’s still talking to her.

Dylan: (handling a snake) Woah, cool…

Hayley: On it. (walks off)

Dylan: You’re like Britney Spears.

Tanya: Hahaha, you’re so funny! You kinda do look like Britney Spears. I’m just kidding. Um, anyway this is probably my favourite, so-

Hayley: Hey, jungle lady. I think… I think one of your bugs got out.

Tanya: What? This one?

Hayley: This box thing here, it’s… it’s on its side.

Tanya: Oh my god, where did it go?

Dylan: Is everything okay?

Tanya: No. I… lost a poisonous scorpion and I need to find it. Okay, kids! Um, let’s all tuck our pants into our socks. Avoid shady, moist places and let’s make a game of looking where we step.

Scene: Hospital

Alex: Is he okay?

Mitchell: Can we see him?

Claire: He’s with the doctor right now. These things happen, right? No matter how careful you are.

Scene: One hour earlier at Luke’s party

Luke: Hey, look what grandpa gave me – a crossbow.

Claire: Sweety, that does not look safe.

Luke: Don’t worry; he’s gonna show me how to use it.

Claire: That’s… what… I’m afraid of.

Mitchell: Oh my god, you are not making comb sheaths.

Claire: I am, and I know it’s really lame. Everybody hates it.

Mitchell: No, it’s just like, uh, Donna Rigby’s party.

Claire: Exactly! Yes, and they have the beads and everything.

Mitchell: Ugh, amazing. This is awesome. (sits)

Claire: So… Cam’s a clown.

Mitchell: …Yeah.

Claire: (Phil runs around with water gun) And there’s mine. Don’t you think it’s weird that we both chose people who are so-

Mitchell: -uninhibited?

Claire: I was gonna say embarrassing, but yeah. Look at them now – they’re the life of the party.

Mitchell: Uh, you know, I gotta say in all his craziness, I love my clown.

Claire: Me too. They’re good for us. I would’ve totally tanked this party.

Mitchell: And I would’ve gotten my butt kicked at a gas station.

Claire: Sorry?

Mitchell: Turns out, Fizbo is a real badass.

Claire: Oooh.

Fizbo: (starts running) Ah, ah! Scorpion! Scorpion! Scorpion! Scorpion! (knocks over crafts table) Ah, ah, ah, ah! (people start running in all directions)

Phil: (sees Fizbo; stumbles) Oh. Oh no, too close… too close… too close… (stumbles into Jay)

Jay: What the hell? (accidentally shoots arrow into jumping castle) Oh crap!

Claire: Calm down. What happened?

Luke: He fired a crossbow.

Claire: No, I know- oh my god!

Manny: Bianca, I’m coming!


Manny: It turns out, I’m not the sweet guy or the funny guy…

(Cut back to scene)

Gloria: No, Manny, don’t go in!(says something in Spanish)

Manny: I must! (to Bianca) I’m coming!


Manny: Manny Delgato is a man of action.

(Cut back to scene)

Bianca: Wait, my dog is still in there!

Manny: I’ll be righ back. (retrieves balloon dog from deflating jumping castle)

Luke: (on the ground) Ow. My arm!

Claire: Sweety? Luke?

Phil: What happened buddy?

Claire: What happened? What happened, honey? What happened?

Luke: I slipped on these stupid beads.

Claire: …Oops.

Phil: Come on, here we go. (lifts Luke up)

Scene: Hospital

Gloria: (enters) How is he?

Claire: Oh, he’s gonna be fine.

Gloria: Ah. (says something in Spanish)

Family: Oh, there he is! (Luke enters with Phil)

Luke: Wow, everybody’s here.

Jay: Of course we are! How’s that busted flipper?

Luke: Okay.

Phil: Sorry about today, buddy. We’ll try again next year.

Luke: Are you kidding? This was the best birthday ever.

Claire: What?

Luke: I got a cast.

Claire: You like the cast?

Luke: I’ve always wanted one. After a few weeks, they start to smell.

Gloria: Ew.

Alex: You are so weird, you know that?

Manny: Can I sign it?

Luke: Sure.

Alex: Hey, me first.


Phil: If you’d asked me before the party if I wanted there to be a chain reaction of disasters that led to Luke breaking his arm, I probably would’ve said no.

Claire: Probably?

Phil: Prob… defini… definitely not, would not want that. But… one way or another, Luke was the centre of attention on his birthday, and the whole family was together. Just like the way it should be.

(Cut back to scene)

Fizbo: (enters) Fizbo delivery! I brought the cake!

Phil: I can’t do this… Gotta go out. (runs out; stumbles over wheelchair)

Claire: Cake!

Family: Yay!

Gloria: Blow the candle, blow the candle.


Manny: Bianca Douglas called me three times tonight. I’m not gonna lie to you: I’m starting to feel smothered.

Luke: I really like my cast, but it’s starting to itch. Good thing my mom made me this personal scratcher. (takes out comb; scratches himself with it) Oh, that’s good stuff.

Hayley: If another woman is messing with your man, you have to get proactive. I don’t care how pretty she is, or how many stupid reptiles she has – she tries to take what’s mine, girlfriend’s gonna get stung. (scorpion falls of her desk) Aaaaah!



Jay: What’s the key to being a great dad? Uh, that’s a tough one.

Cameron: Giving them the freedom to be whatever they wanna be.

Mitchell: Right, exactly, s-

Cameron: Whether that’s a painter, a poet, a pilot, a president-

Mitchell: And for us-

Cameron: -of a company or of a country.

Mitchell: …Patience.

Phil: Well, be their buddy.

Claire: …That’s your answer?

Phil: And stay in school.

Claire: No.

Phil: And don’t do drugs.

Claire: Nooo.

Phil: Just give me the answer!

Claire: Oh god.

Jay: …Still thinking.


Scene: Street

(Claire, Phil and Luke are cycling)

Woman: Hi Claire!

Claire: Hey.

Woman: Hey!

Claire: Oh, okay. Hi, um…this is my husband, Phil.

Phil: Hi.

Claire: And, uh, that’s my son, Luke, right there. This is…

Woman: Desiree.

Claire: Desiree. Right, sorry. Desiree just moved in down the block.

Phil: Fun. Where?

Desiree: Three-fourteen.

Phil: Oh, the two bedroom cottage with the indoor outdoor family room.

Desiree: Very good! How did you-

Phil: I bet you’re loving that steam shower.

Claire: Phil, that’s creepy.

Phil: Oh, sorry. I’m a real estate mogul. What? I’m- I am a real estate agent. Um, we caravaned that house. Great, uh, deck.

Desiree: Thanks. I’m just there ’til my divorce is final.

Phil: Now who is coconuts enough to divorce you?

Claire: Oh, we gotta go. But we’ll see you around.

Phil: Well, we’d love to have you over sometime.

Desiree: I’d love it.

Phil: Alright!

Desiree: Bye.

Phil: Bye. (Desiree runs off) She’s awesome.

Claire: No, we are never having her over. Her charity slept with two dads from the school.

Phil: What?

Claire: Mhh hmm.

Phil: That’s… horrible.

Luke: Dad, watch out!

Phil: Woah, watch it buddy!

Luke:. Grandma

Phil: I’m sorry. That still looks like a girl’s bike.

Claire: Well, we’ll add more black tape.


Phil: My son has been riding his sister’s old bike.

Claire: Until he’s responsible enough to take care of his own bike. Look, he spilled a soda on my computer, he ruined our digital camera taking pictures of himself underwater-

Phil: It’s a girl’s bike. I’m all for teaching him a lesson, but I worry about the ridicule he might get from some… loudmouth bully.

(Cut back to scene)

Jay: (driving past) Heeeey! Nice bike, Sally.

Claire: Dad.

Jay: Come on, he looks like Little Bo Beep on that thing.

Phil: Actually, not for long. He’s getting a new bike this afternoon.

Luke: I am?

Phil: Mhhh.

Claire: He is?

Phil: …


Phil: Sometimes a man’s gotta put his foot down and do what a man’s gotta do, and if the old lady don’t like it – honey? (silence) – that’s too damn bad.


Scene: Pritchett-Tucker household

Mitchell: (to Lily) Yes! Who’s excited, huh? Cam, come on, hurry up – we’re gonna be late.

Cameron: It’s a toddler play class, not a flight to Cabo.

Mitchell: We’re gonna be judged enough as the only gay parents there; I don’t wanna be the late ones too. Wow, paisley and pink. Was there something wrong with the fishnet tank top.

Cameron: Obviously not; I’m wearing it underneath. Kidding. Just chill, please.

Mitchell: I’m sorry; I just wanna make a good first impression.

Cameron: You mean you wanna fit in and not terrify the villagers?

Mitchell: No- hey, come on. Today is about Lily, alright? Her future best friend might be in that class and I don’t wanna… rub anyone the wrong way. Can you please just… change your shirt.

Cameron: Fine. You know what, I’ll just go put on a pair of khakhis, maybe a polo shirt and everybody’ll think we’re a couple of straight golfing buddies who just decided to have a kid together.


Scene: Pritchett household

Jay: Hey, I called that place in Napa and got us upgraded to a villa with a hot tub. So pack whatever you wear in a hot tub.

Gloria: I usually wear nothing when I’m in a hot tub.

Jay: And my college roommate’s wife just had to get a new hip. Sucker.


Gloria: Manny’s father is taking him for a couple of days to Disneyland, so we’re gonna go to the wine country!

Jay: We’re gonna drink some wine, eat some good food… You know, we would do something like this more often if it wasn’t for, you know, Manny.

Gloria: It’s good. He keeps us grounded.

Jay: Yeah… Like fog at an airport.

(Cut back to scene)

Jay: Limo gets here at four. This morning I thought I’d go over to the club and hit a few balls.

Gloria: No. What about the fan in Manny’s room?

Jay: Oh, yeah… Call a guy.

Gloria: Nooo. You’re supposed to do it with him. It’s important that we teach him how to do things for himself. In my culture, men take great pride in doing physical labour.

Jay: I know. That’s why I hire people from your culture.

Gloria: You’re too funny. I’m gonna share that one with my next husband when we’re spending all your money.


Scene: Bicycle store

Luke: Dad, this is the coolest bike ever.

Phil: Awesome. So listen, buddy… Certain members of this family don’t think you can take care of this bad boy.

Luke: You mean mom?

Phil: Your words, not mine. Look, uh… your mom and I are a team, and she- we feel like this is a chance for you to show some responsibility. Don’t make us look like jerks here.

Luke: I won’t.

Phil: Okay. One more rule.

Luke: What?

Phil: Have, like, three bike-loads of fun.

Luke: Thanks, dad. (rides off)

Scene: Manny’s room

Jay: So let’s do this.

Manny: Okay, but I need to be done by three. That’s when my dad’s picking me up.

Jay: Hey, if we’re not done by three, I’m gonna tie a noose on this thing.


Gloria: In Colombia, there’s a saying: if you have two stubborn burros that don’t like each other, you tie them to the same cart. The ceiling fan is the cart.

(Cut back to scene)

Manny: My dad’s taking me on Space Mountain. It’s supposed to be really fast, but he’s not scared of anything. He doesn’t even wear a seatbelt when he drives.

Jay: Wow, how about that.

Manny: He killed a bear once.

Jay: Really? Was the bear sitting in the passenger seat? Read me the instructions.

Manny: Safety tips. Warning: to reduce the risk of electrical shock-

Jay: We can skip that.

Manny: Uh, failure to heed these warnings can lead to serious injury-

Jay: Yeah, you worry too much. Nobody’s gonna get shocked.

Manny: One time, my dad was struck by lightning. That’s why he can drink as much as he wants.


Jay: Manny thinks his dad is like Superman. The truth? He’s a total flake. In fact, the only way he’s like Superman is that they both landed in this country illegally.


Scene: Toddler play class

Mitchell: I can’t believe I’m so nervous.

Cameron: They’re gonna love us. Let’s just be ourselves.

Mitchell: Or a slightly toned-down version of ourselves. I ju- I just don’t want this to become an episode of The Cam Show.

Cameron: Oh my gosh, people love The Cam Show.

Mitchell: Yes, I know.

Cameron: You watch The Cam Show.

Mitchell: I do watch it.

Cameron: It’s appointment(?) of viewing.

Teacher: Hi!

Mitchell: Hi.

Teacher: Are you here for toddler time?

Mitchell: Yes. I’m Mitchell, this is Cameron and this here is Lily.

Teacher: Oh, well, welcome! We’re over here taking turns blowing bubbles.

Cameron: Oh. Well, how nice for… the babies.

Teacher: Mhh hmm. (walks off)

Cameron: This is gonna be really difficult.


Scene: Sidewalk

(Phil comes across a bike left unattended)


Phil: Ten minutes after making a promise to me, he leaves his bike unlocked. All I can hear is Claire’s voice in my head: “He’s not responsible. You never should’ve given him a bike.” I know. I do a pretty good Claire. So I decided to teach him a lesson and let him think his bike was stolen. And I know that sounds kinda rough, but sometimes it’s a dad’s job to be the tough guy.

(Cut back to scene)

Phil: (riding Luke’s bike) Excuse me, thank you. On your left. My left! Your right!


Scene: Toddler play class

Teacher: Everyone, we have a new family joining us today.

Mitchell: I’m Mitchell and I am a lawyer.

Cameron: I- I’m Cameron and I’m currently not working… which gives me more time to grill and shoot baskets and-

Mitchell: And this is Lily.

Teacher: Okay, we’re gonna start with the Hello Dance, and then we’re gonna move onto blocks and finger painting, and then we’re gonna do our Family Dance. Alright, who wants to start us off? Dance us in, PJ! (woman gets up and dances with toddler)

Mother: She’s adorable.

Mitchell: Oh, thank you.

Mother: Seven months?

Mitchell: Uh, eight.

Mother: Oh. Is she grabbing or scooting yet?

Mitchell: …Y-yes, absolutely! I mean, she’s not grabbing; she is- she is scootin’.

Teacher: Dance us in, Tyler!

Mother: (to her toddler) Are you ready? Okay, here we go! (gets up, dances with Tyler)

Mitchell: Cam. Lily is not grabbing or scooting yet.

Cameron: Well, she’s not doing it yet, but she will eventually.

Mitchell: No, but all these other kids, theyre… they’re grabbing. I- I just… (picks up block) Here, c- Lily, look at the- look at the block. Huh? Grab the block, Lily. Grab the ‘H’.

Teacher: Dance us in, Lily!

Cameron: Okay, I got this.

Mitchell: Cam…

Cameron: Yes I know. Damp down my natural gifts and dance like a straight guy.

Mitchell: No slapping your own butt.

Cameron: But that’s how I make my horsey go. (gets up; dances slowly with Lily) Thank you.

Mitchell: That was very good.

Cameron: …I feel dirty.


Scene: Sidewalk

Phil: Oh, hey!

Desiree: Hey!

Phil: Hey.

Desiree: Hi!

Phil: Hi.

Desiree: Hi, uh, this is really embarrassing, but I locked myself out of my house.

Phil: Oh. Psshhh. I do that all the time; don’t be embarrassed. (starts riding off)

Desiree: I was- I was hoping you could help me. There’s a window open, but I can’t reach it. Would you mind?

Phil: … Yeah! Yeah, sure. Of course. You know what they say: every time God closes a door, He opens a window. Or I guess in this case, every time He- (loses footing on bike; gets off). Okay, let’s see what we got here.


Phil: I mean, am I attracted to her? Yes. Would I ever act on it? No. No way. Not while my wife is still alive.

(Cut back to scene)

Desiree: (exiting house) Are you sure I can’t get you something to drink?

Phil: Yeah, no, I’m- I’m fine. Really.

Desiree: If I knew a man was gonna climb into my bedroom window, I would’ve cleaned up a bit.

Phil: Are you kidding me? It smelled great in there. Like lotions and oils for… dry skin and, you know, callous hands-

Desiree: Yeah, it’s… a candle.

Phil: Uh oh.

Desiree: What’s wrong?

Phil: My bike’s gone.

Desiree: Oh no. Can I help you find it?

Phil: (sprints off) It’s alright, thank you.

Desiree: Okay. Thank you!


Scene: Palms Cycle (bicycle store)

Phil: …So to teach him a lesson, I took his bike, and then crazy thing: I put it down for one minute and someone swiped it from me.

Assistant: Maybe that was your dad teaching you a lesson.

Phil: Ahaha. Zinger. So… any chance I could, uh, get a break on this one?

Assistant: I can throw in a bell-

Phil: Deal!

Assistant: -for five dollars.

Phil: No, sir.

Assistant: So you wanna go for the insurance this time or is it still for suckers?

Phil: Hahaha. Caught me again. Well played, m’ lord. I will take some insurance, thank you.


Scene: Pritchett household

Gloria: What’s going on in there?

Manny: That’s not step four.

Jay: Don’t worry about it.

Manny: Well, it says right here that-

Jay: Hush; you’re worrying about it.

Gloria: I thought you guys might need a drink.

Jay: Uh, you have no idea.

Gloria: Manny, mi amor, I have to go get some stuff for our trip. Ayi, but have some fun with your father, okay? I’ll see you Monday. Mwa! It makes me so happy to see my two boys working together.

Manny: Jay shocked himself twice.

Jay: Okay, Manny.

Manny: Well, I warned him.

Jay: Yep, he’s been a big help.

Gloria: Look at you two with your private jokes already. You’re a regular Salazar and El Oso.


Gloria: It’s a very big comedy to me in Colombia. El Oso is always hit Salazar in the head with the lada and things, and sometimes they wore dresses. They make you laugh, but they also make you think.


Scene: Dunphy household

(Phil leaves bicycle at bottom of stairs)

Phil: You blew it. You made me look bad. No, you made your mother and I look bad. We’re a team. (knocks on Luke’s door) Luke, you in there?

Luke: Hey, dad.

Phil: Hey. (enters) Hey, buddy. That was, uh… that was pretty fun today, huh? Getting your new bike?

Luke: Yeah, it was awesome.

Phil: So, uh, what happened after I took off? Anything you wanna… share with me?

Luke: Not really.

Phil: So… if I, uh, went out to the garage to take a picture for a scrapbook, there’d be no surprises?

Luke: …I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean it. I just made a mistake!

Phil: Yeah, a big mistake! You’re making me look really bad here; I told mom you were ready for this.

Luke: It’s just a scratch, dad.

Phil: That’s not the point, Luke- what?

Luke: I scratched it on my way into the driveway. I’m sorry.

Phil: So… it’s not stolen?

Luke: …No. Why?

Phil: That’s good… ’cause… there are bad people out there who would steal a bike. Those are thieves. (walks out) You sit there and think about the scratch part; that’s not good either – gotta fix that step – so don’t scratch anything while I’m gone, unless it itches. That’s different.


Phil: The good news is Luke has his bike. More good news: I taught some random kid a valuable lesson by stealing his bike. Best news: Claire knows nothing. So, I figure I’ll just dump the new bike where I stole the first bike, that way random kid gets his back and this new bike doesn’t raise a lot of embarrassing questions like why I had it, or who boosted who through the bedroom window. So, everyone’s happy.

(Cut back to scene)

(Phil’s pulling out of the driveway with new bike when he’s stopped by Claire)

Phil: Uh oh.


Scene: Manny’s room

Jay: Ah, son of a b- You gave me the wrong screwdriver.

Manny: Maybe you’re just using it wrong. My dad’s great with tools. He can get the wheels off a car in less than a minute.

Jay: Just get me the wine country… just get me the wine country-ooh! (fan blade falls off; hits Manny’s arm)

Manny: Ow!

Jay: Sorry!

Manny: I think my arm is broken!

Jay: Relaaax. It’s not broken.

Manny: How do you know? You don’t know anything! You have no concern for safety!

Jay: Because it didn’t hit you that hard.

Manny: Why don’t you just say it? You don’t want me around.

Jay: You know what? Right now, I don’t.

Manny: I don’t wanna be with you either. I’m gonna go wait for my dad.

Jay: But… but if you leave, how will I ever finish?

Manny: You know what? I wish you’d never married my mom. I hate living here.

Jay: You think I like this arrangement? I got a two-seater parked in the driveway!


Scene: Dunphy driveway

Claire: I mean, I don’t understand. Why are you trying to sneak around and hide things from me? I actually think it’s pretty funny.

Phil: …You do?

Claire: I do, yes. I mean, you steal a bike from some poor kid and then the bike gets stolen from you. It’s hilarious.

Phil: Classic me, right?

Claire: Yes! So, where were you when it got stolen?

Phil: Oh, I was getting some gas…

Claire: Uh huh.

Phil: Yeah.

Claire: You don’t stand near the car when you get gas?

Phil: Yep! But, uh, I went inside… to get a soda because I was thirsty; if I had soda I wouldn’t be thirsty anymore, so I… bought one and then I drank it all right there, which is why I don’t have the can.

Claire: Well, honey, please, let’s try to remember that I’m your wife, not your mom. So in the future, you don’t need to hide things from me, okay?

Phil: Okay.

Claire: Okay.

Phil: (sees Desiree arriving; hugs Claire tighter) Oooh. Oh yeah, you get back here.

Claire: What are you doing? (tries to break free)

Phil: Oh, I just love you so darn much.

Claire: I know, I love you too, but that hurts.

Phil: Let’s get you inside.

Desiree: Hi! Hello, hi there!

Phil: Oh, hi!

Desiree: Hi again! I, uh, found your bike. Uh…

Phil: Oh, good. You- the- at the gas station?

Desiree: No, at my house. One of my neighbours saw it and put it in my garage when you were in my bedroom, so…

Phil: Classic me?


Scene: Toddlers play class

Mitchell: (to Lily) Come on, honey, grab the block. You see, like he did. You gotta do that.

Cameron: Seen any m-movies lately?

Mother: Uh, yeah! You know, my husband and I just rented, uh, Mamma Mia. Which I liked, but I don’t know that Meryl Streep was the right choice. What did you think?


Cameron: Excuse me. Meryl Streep could play Batman and be the right choice. She’s perfection. Whether she’s divorcing Kramer, whether she’s wearing Prada… Don’t even get me started on Sophie’s Choice; I get emotional thinking about it. (takes a breath) She couldn’t forgive herself… (gets emotional)

(Cut back to scene)

Cameron: Yeah, she was okay.

Mother: Really? Uh. (shakes her head) Uh, uh, uh.

Mitchell: Grab the block, sweetheart. You’re not even interested in-

Teacher: Is Henry stacking? Good job, Henry! Good job!

Mitchell: (steals  other toddler’s stacked blocks, sings) …P, Q, R, S, T, U, V. W, X, Y and Z. Now I know- (finishes dumping Lily’s block next to other toddler) Wow, Lily! Oh, not so high! Oh!

Teacher: That is a big moment for her! Would you like a video tape?

Mitchell: Uh, you know, I-I don’t- I don’t know if I can actually get her to do it again, so…

Teacher: Well, we tape all of our classes! (points to camera on ceiling) We don’t like pointing cameras at them; it keeps them out of the moment. I’ll get you a copy after class.

Mitchell: That super, yeah. Thank you. (teacher leaves) Cam. Cam, let’s go. I- I dunno what’s happened to me, but I just stole a baby’s intellectual property.

Cameron: What?

Mitchell: You’ll see it tonight on the news. Come, let’s just go.

Teacher: Oooh, look who’s here! Anton and Scott! (two gay men enter)

Scott: Sorry we’re late!

Anton: Don’t look at me. The eye candy cutie can’t leave the house without spending twenty minutes in front of the mirror.

Cameron: …Are you kidding me?

Mitchell: I am so sorry.

Cameron: Look at those queens. I would’ve killed with this crowd, but you had to clip my wings, which you used to be the wind beneath.

Mitchell: I know, I’m so- This class has turned me into a complete monster. I’m ju- I’ll make it up to you. Let’s just go.

Teacher: Okay, it’s time for Parents’ Dance! Everybody dance for you baby!

Mitchell: You wanna do it, don’t you?

Cameron: I do. I wanna dance for my baby.

Mitchell: Alright, go on. Get in there.

Cameron: Sure?

Mitchell: Make that horsey move. Go ahead.

Cameron: (runs off; does horsey move in the circle; runs out) Oh, I think I hurt myself.


Scene: Pritchett household

(Manny is sitting alone in the driveway. Inside, Jay’s ready with his luggage; pours himself whisky. Before drinking it, the phone rings)

Jay: Hello? Hey, Javier. Manny’s waiting for you outside. What? Why not? Hold that thought. (drinks whiskey)


Jay: His son’s sitting on the curb waiting to go to Disneyland, and Superman can’t drag himself away from a craps table. And I’m the jerk.

(Cut back to scene)

Jay: So listen. I, uh… sorry, but I got some bad news.

Manny: What?

Jay: Your dad couldn’t make it.

Manny: Why not?

Jay: The plane was full and this old lady needed to get home, so he gave up his seat.

Manny: You’re making that up, aren’t you?

Jay: No!

Manny: He just didn’t wanna come.

Jay: Are you kidding me? He was very upset! He was dying to see you. In fact, look what he sent. (limo pulls up)

Manny: A limo?!

Jay: Yeah! He wanted me and your mom to take you to Disneyland.

Manny: I told you he was an awesome dad.

Jay: Yeah, he’s a prince.


Jay: Okay, the key to being a good dad… Well, sometimes things work out just the way you want them.

(Cut to Phil and Luke cycling down the street)

Luke: I’ll race you to the end.

Phil: That is not a good idea. For you.


Jay: Sometimes they don’t. You gotta hang in there….

(Cut to a frustrated Mitchell and Cameron playing with Lily, who does not want to grab blocks)

Jay: …because when all is said and done…

(Cut to Jay and Gloria in limo with a sleeping Manny)

Jay: …ninety percent of being a dad… is just showing up.


Scene: Sidewalk

(Phil returns random kid’s bike where he found it; kid sees him)

Kid: Hey! That’s my bike!

Phil: Oh. I don’t, uh… Well! (runs off; kid and his friend chase after him) I was giving it back!


Cameron: (crying) She couldn’t forgive herself, and… she had to choose! And I think because now I have- we have- we have L-… we have Lily, it’s so hard to imagine being put in that position. If I had to choose Lily or Mitchell, I mean, I would choose L-… I don’t know! (gets up; walks off) I just, I don’t know! I don’t know! I don’t know!

Scene: Dunphy household

Claire: Kids, breakfast! Kids! Ugh, Phil, would you get them?

Phil: (busy on cellphone) Yeah. Just a sec.

Claire: Kids! (drops container) Okay.

Phil: That is so… Kids! Get down here!

Hayley: (enters) Why are you guys yelling at us when we’re way upstairs? Just text me.

Claire: Alright, that’s not gonna happen and wow, you’re not wearing that outfit.

Hayley: What’s wrong with it?

Claire: Honey, do you have anything to say to your daughter about her skirt?

Phil: (looks up from cellphone) Sorry. Oh yeah, it looks really cute, sweetheart.

Hayley: Thanks.

Claire: No, it’s way too short. People know you’re a girl; you don’t need to prove it to them.

Alex: (enters) Luke got his head is stuck in the banister again.

Phil: I got it. Where’s the baby oil?

Claire: It’s on our bedside tab- (mutters) I dunno. Find it. (walks into cupboard door) Come on!


Claire: I was… out of control growing up. There, you know, I said it. I… I just don’t want my kids to make the same bad mistakes that I made. If Hayley never wakes up on a beach in Florida half-naked, I’ve done my job.

Phil: …Our job.

Claire: Right. I’ve done our job.

Scene: Soccer match

Gloria: Bravo, Manny! Kick it, kick it! Don’t let him- kick it! Manito! (says something in Spanish) No! No, no! He tripped him, Jay. Where is the penalty?

Jay: Gloria, they’re 0-6. Let’s take it down a notch.


Gloria: We’re very different. Jay’s from the city, he has big business. I come from a small village – very poor, but very, very beautiful. It’s the number one village in all Colombia for all the… what’s the word?

Jay: Murders.

Gloria: Yes, the murders.

(Cut back to scene)

Gloria: Manny, stop him! (says something in Spanish)

Manny waves at girl on bicycle; other team scores.

Teammate: Dammit, Manny.

Mother: Come on, coach. You’ve gotta take that kid out!

Gloria: You wanna take him out? How about I take you out?

Jay: Honey, honey…

Gloria: Why don’t you worry about your son? He spent the first half with his hand in his pants!

Mother: (mouths) Wow… (walks off)

Guy: I’ve wanted to tell her off for the last six weeks. I’m Josh, Ryan’s dad.

Gloria: Hi, I’m Gloria Pritchett, Manny’s mother.

Josh: Oh, and this must be your dad.

Jay: Her dad? No. No, that’s funny. Actually, no, I’m her husband. Don’t be fooled by the, uh… (tries getting up from chair) Gimme a second here.


Scene: Airplane

Mitchell: (to Lily) Who’s a good girl? Who’s that? Who’s that?

Granny: Oh, she’s adorable!

Mitchell: Oh, thank you.

Granny: Hi, precious! (puckers up; blows lips in attempt to make Lily smile)

Mitchell: (in small voice) Hello. Hi, hi! We just- we just adopted her from Vietnam and… we’re bringing her home for the first time, huh.

Man: Oh, she’s an angel. You and your wife must be so thrilled.

Cameron: (enters) Sorry, sorry, sorry. Daddy needed snacks. Hi. (fumbles his way to his seat; granny and man look away uncomfortably) So, what are we talking about?


Mitchell: Uh, we have been together for, guh, five- five years now? And, uh, we just, we decided we really wanted to have a baby, so we had initially asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate, but-

Cameron: Then we figured they’re already mean enough; can you imagine one of them pregnant?

Mitchell: Don’t think so.

Cameron: No, thank you. Ick.

(Cut back to scene)

Mitchell: You saw that, right? Everybody fawning over Lily, and then you walk on and suddenly it’s all “Oooh, SkyMall, I gotta buy a motorised tie rack.” Alright, you know, I’m- I’m gonna give a speech.

Cameron: You are not giving a speech.

Mitchell: Why?

Cameron: You’re gonna be stuck with these people for the next five hours.

Mitchell: You’re right, you’re right. Okay, I’m sorry.

Lady: Honey, honey, look at those babies with those cream puffs.

Mitchell: Okay, excuse me. (stands up) Excuse me, but this baby would’ve grown up in a crowded orphanage if it wasn’t for us cream puffs. And you know what? No, to all of you who judge-

Cameron: Mitchell…

Mitchell: -hear this: love knows no race, creed-

Cameron: Mitchell…

Mitchell: -or gender. And shame on you, you small-minded, ignorant few-

Cameron: Mitchell!

Mitchell: What?!

Cameron: (motions to cream puffs in Lily’s hands) She’s got the cream puffs.

Mitchell: Oh.

Cameron: …We would like to pay for everyone’s headsets.


Scene: Dunphy household

Phil: Buddy, why do you keep getting stuck like this?

Luke: I thought I could get out this time.

Alex: I’m just gonna say it: he needs to be checked by a specialist.

Phil: (frees Luke from banister) There. Be free, Excalibur.

Hayley: I’m having a friend over today.

Claire: Who?

Hayley: Uh, you don’t know him.

Claire: Him. Him?

Luke: Oooh, a boy. You’re gonna kiss-

Hayley: Shut up! (kids start arguing)

Phil: Easy, easy…

Claire: Luke, Alex, why don’t you take it outside, okay?

Alex: And do what?

Phil: Fight in the sun; it’ll be a nice change. I’m kidding.

Claire: Hayley. Who’s the boy?

Hayley: His name is Dylan. You know, I might as well just tell him not to come because you guys are just going to embarrass me again.

Claire: Sweety, hang on a second. You’re fifteen and it’s the first time you’ve had a boy over. I mean, I’m bound to be a little surprised, but… not embarrass you.

Phil: I better go charge the camcorder. (Hayley groans; turns around to leave) I’m kidding! Come on, who’re you talking to?


Phil: I’m the cool dad. That’s- that’s my thang. I’m hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face? Um, you know, I know all the dances to High School Musical, so…

(Cut to Phil performing High School Musical for his kids)

Phil: (singing) We’re all in this together. Yes we are, we’re all stars, something someth- and you know it.

(Cut back to scene)

Alex: Mom! Dad!

Claire: What happened?

Alex: Luke just shot me!

Luke: I didn’t mean to!

Claire: Are you okay?

Alex: No, the little bitch shot me!

Phil: (laughs)

Claire: Language!

Luke: They’re only plastic BBs. It was an accident.

Claire: What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun? Deal with this.

Phil: Buddy, uncool.

Claire: …That’s it? That- no, no, no, no, no. The agreement was that if he shoots someone, you shoot him.

Phil: We were serious about that?

Claire: Yes we were, and now you have to follow through.

Luke: (starts crying) I’m so sorry!

Claire: Liar.

Luke: (stops)

Claire: Go.

Phil: He’s got a birthday party.

Alex: What’s more important here, dad?

Claire: You can shoot him afterwards. He’ll be home at two.

Phil: I can’t shoot him at two; I’m showing a house at two.

Alex: What about three?

Claire: No, he’s got a soccer game at three and then oh, we’ve gotta leave for that dinner thing at five. (checks calendar) Four fifteen. You could shoot him at four fifteen.

Phil: Yeah, I guess that works for me.

Luke: Aw…

Claire: (fills in calendar) “Shoot Luke.”

Phil: Sorry, buddy. It’s on the calendar.

Luke: Oh, come on.


Scene: After soccer match

Manny: I’m quitting soccer. It is a game for children.

Gloria: No, you’re not quitting. You would’ve stopped the goal if you weren’t staring at the little girl.

Manny: She’s not a girl. She is a woman. (both enter car)

Jay: You know, Gloria, that little blow-up with that other mom– why do you have to do things like that?

Gloria: If somebody says something about my family, I’m going to-

Jay: I don’t… I’m just saying you could take it down here a little bit, that’s all.

Gloria: Oh, yeah, ’cause that’s where you live – down here. But I live up here.

Jay: B-but you don’t have to be so emotional all the time. That’s all I’m saying. Manny, you’re with me on this one, right?

Manny: I wanna tell Brenda Feldman I love her.

Jay: Oh, for god’s sakes.

Gloria: Manny, she’s sixteen.

Manny: Oh, it’s okay for you to take an older lover?

Jay: Hey, watch it.

Manny: I wanna go to the mall where she works. But first I need to get my white shirt. The silk one.

Gloria: Okay. If that’s what you really want to do…

Jay: Seriously, not to be the evil stepdad, but if you put on a puffy white shirt and declare your love for a sixteen year old, you’re gonna be swinging from the flag pole in your puffy white underpants.

Manny: Stop the car!

Gloria: Where are you going? (Manny gets out) You see? You hurt his feelings.

Jay: Oh, well, if it toughens him up a little bit, then… geez, he’s picking flowers.


Gloria: Manny’s very passionate. Just like his father. My first husband, he’s very handsome but too crazy. It seemed like all we did was fight and make love, fight and make love, fight and make love. One time – I’m not kidding you – we fell out the window together.

Jay: Which one were you doing? I’m hearing this for the first time.


Scene: Pritchett-Tucker household

Mitchell: This doesn’t worry you? She barely slept on the plane and she’s still wide awake.

Cameron: Oh, stop worrying.

Mitchell: But Cam, that… that orphanage, it was all women; maybe she just, she can’t fall asleep unless she feels a woman’s shape?

Cameron: Well, I guess that’s possible.

Mitchell: So here. (hands Lily to Cameron)

Cameron: What the hell is that supposed to mean?


Cameron: Yes, I’ve gained a… few extra pounds while we were expecting the baby, which has been very difficult. But, apparently, your body does a nesting, very maternal, primal thing where it retains nutrients… some sort of molecular physiology thing. But that’s science. You can’t… you can’t fight it, so…

Mitchell: I’m not saying anything.

Cameron: You’re saying everything.

(Cut back to scene)

Mitchell: Count to three: one, tw-

Cameron: Three! (opens door to Lily’s room)

Mitchell: Okay. (they enter) Oh Cam. This is beautiful.

Cameron: Oh my god, do you love it?

Mitchell: Yes. I… (sees wall painting) What the hell is that?

Cameron: I had Andre do it while we were gone.

Mitchell: Is that us… with wings?

Cameron: We’re floating above her, always there to protect her.

Mitchell: Okay, well, that’s reassuring, right, Lily? Yes, we tore you away from everything you know, but don’t worry – things are normal here. Your fathers are floating fairies. No, can you call Andre? Have him paint something a little less… gay? By the way, we need to stop having friends with names like Andre.

Cameron: Red-headed daddy is angry daddy.

Mitchell: No, I’m not.

Cameron: Yes, you are. Even Pepper pointed it out on the way home from the airport.

Mitchell: Okay, that’s another one: Pepper. Yeah.

Cameron: Okay, what’s up?

Mitchell: Alright, look, I… I n- I never told my family we were adopting a baby.

Cameron: I know.

Mitchell: You do?

Cameron: Yeah, and I don’t blame you. I know your family: you tell them, they say something judgmental-

Mitchell: Exactly!

Cameron: You get mad-

Mitchell: I know, and then something that’s supposed to be nothing but joyful suddenly turns into this huge fight.

Cameron: And who wants a big, emotional scene like that?

Mitchell: Thank you, thank you. I’m so… I’m so relieved you understand.

Cameron: …I invited them over for dinner tonight.

Mitchell: …What?

Cameron: I had to. This would’ve gone on forever. You’re an avoider.

Mitchell: No, no, no, no. Cam, I’m calling them right now; I’m cancelling.

Cameron: No, you’re not. You’re telling your family you adopted a baby tonight. And you do have avoidance issues; even Langina said so.

Mitchell: Are you… are you really not hearing these names?


Scene: Dunphy household

(Doorbell rings)

Hayley: Don’t answer it; I’ll get it! (runs to door; Claire gets there first)

Claire: Hi! Hey, you must be Dylan. (shakes Dylan’s hand)

Dylan: Hey. Dylan, yeah.

Claire: I’m Hayley’s mother.

Hayley: Hey. Now let’s go. (leads Dylan upstairs)

Claire: Okay, um… hang on one second. Um… woah. Dylan, you’re still in high school?

Dylan: Yeah, I’m a senior.

Claire: A senior. Okay. Cool. Phil, sweety, honey… he is Dylan and he is a senior… (whispers) and you need to scare him.

Phil: Let me meet this playa. Phil Dunphy, yo.


Phil: It’s like that. You just- you just stare down on them and let the eyes do the work. Your mouth might be saying, “Hey, we cool,” but your eyes are like, “No, we not.” (points to mouth) “Nice to meet you.” (points to eyes) “No, it’s not.” (points to mouth) “S’all good.” (points to eyes) “S’all (mumbles) isisn’t.”

(Cut back to scene)

Phil: Yo.

Dylan: Yo.

Hayley: Okay, I see you guys have-

Phil: Wait, wait, wait! You two… you two keep it real, know what I mean, son?

Dylan: Not really.

Hayley: Please stop.

Phil: That’s cool. (hand slips off stair rail) Ow! Oh god, that’s my back!

Claire: Sweetheart…

Phil: Ow! Oh, I slipped on the baby oil.


Phil: (points to mouth) “Oh, where’re you from originally?” (points to eye) “I could defeat you if it came to a physical confrontation.”

(Cut back to scene)

Phil: (being carried by Dylan) Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Claire: I don’t know about this. Should I call a doctor?

Phil: No, no, no, no, no. You’re very strong, homes.

Dylan: Thanks. (places Phil on couch)

Phil: Okay, nice. Nice soft landing.

Dylan: There you go.

Hayley: Okay, let’s go. (she and Dylan leave)

Phil: I am on my side, though, so just flip me right back and we’re good. We’ll be good. I just need to get flipped right on my back, and we should be fine, so…


Scene: Shopping mall

Manny: (holding note and flowers) Brenda Feldman.

Gloria: What is that?

Manny: A poem I’ve written for Brenda Feldman.

Jay: Of course it is.

Manny: I put my thoughts into words, and now my words into action.

Jay: Hey, I’ll give you fifty bucks not to do this.

Manny: I’m eleven years old. What am I gonna do with money?

Jay: What are you gonna do with a sixteen-year-old? (Manny walks off)

Gloria: He’s like a bull fighter.

Jay: Mhhh. You ever see a bull fight? I can’t watch this.

Gloria: You’re in such a bad mood, and I know why. It’s because that man thought you were my father.

Jay: Nooo.

Gloria: Yeees.

Jay: Nooo.

Gloria: When you say no like that, it’s always yes. Come on, we’re in the mall. Let’s get you, like, some… younger clothes. There’s a store there, but I-

Jay: I don’t need any younger clothes. And I don’t care what some jackass in a pair of ripped jeans thinks about me.

Gloria: Good. You shouldn’t. You should only care what I think. I love you and I don’t care how old you are. So stop being a gloomy goose and stop being so hard on Manny.

Jay: The only reason I’m hard on Manny is just because I don’t wanna see him make a fool of himself. And I can smell that hair goo of his from here.

Gloria: I don’t know what’s gonna happen to him over there. But you’re his family now, and that means only one thing: you be the wing in his back, not the spit in his face.

Jay: …What?

Gloria: Something my mom always says. It’s gorgeous in Spanish. Look, he’s there.

Manny: She has a boyfriend.

Gloria: Aw, I’m sorry, mi niño.

Manny: I gave her my heart; she gave me a picture of me as an all-time sheriff.

Gloria: Aw.

Manny: That was pretty stupid of me, wasn’t it?

Gloria: No, mi amor. It was brave, right, Jay? Brave.

Jay: Oh, well, you’ll know better next time. Let’s get a pretzel. (walks off)

Gloria: (says something in Spanish; she and Manny follow suit)

Officer: (to Jay) Oh, excuse me, sir. We ask that all mall walkers stay to the right. (bunch of old walkers in tracksuits similar to Jay’s walk past)

Jay: (sees them; enters store selling hip clothes)


Scene: Dunphy household


Hayley: Alex, get out! Mom!

Claire: Alex, leave your sister alone.

Alex: I was just getting my book, gosh.

Claire: I know, sweety, but you need to respect their privacy. What are they doing up there?

Alex: Nothing. Lying on the bed watching a movie.

Claire: …Okay. Okay. Um, I’m making a cake for tonight. Do you wanna help me with the frosting?

Alex: Sure. So, you know, if Hayley got pregnant, would you ever pretend she was mono for a few months, and then, like, tell everyone the baby is yours?

Claire: …What?

Alex: The senior at school was out sick for, like, four months, but… then a week later, she was breastfeeding at the corner of a carwash.


Phil: Buddy… what are you wearing?

Luke: (wearing multiple layers of clothing) Nothing.

Phil: Uh uh. No jacket, one hat. How many pairs of underwear do you have on?

Luke: One… ugh, six.


Alex: First of all, it would be really cool to see Hayley that fat, and how awesome would it be to have a fake little brother who’s really my nephew.

Claire: Hayley is not getting pregnant.

Alex: Just saying if.

Claire: I know. And I know you like to make trouble for your sister, but it’s not gonna work this time. You know why? ‘Cause your sister is a good girl. I know; I was just like her when I was… (walks off)


Phil: I want you to know: I’m not enjoying this, but this is an important lesson that you’re learning, so soak it, keep it. (aims BB gun at Luke)

Luke: You’re too close. It’s gonna hurt.

Phil: It’s supposed to hurt.

Luke: And why are you smiling?

Phil: I’m… what?


Claire: (climbs stairs and stands outside Hayley’s room)


Phil: Oh, forget it. I can’t do this. The point is you’re scared. I think you’ve learned your lesson- (BB gun goes off) Wow.

Luke: Ow!


Claire: (enters Hayley’s room)

Hayley: Mom? What are you doing?

Claire: Oh, hey. I was just, um, dropping off some laundry. Is this a bad time?

Hayley: Yeah.

Claire: Oh. Okay. (leaves)

Hayley: Can you shut the door, please?

Claire: Actually, we’re just gonna go ahead and leave that open.

Hayley: Why?

Claire: Because I have, uh, seen this little show before, lying on the bed with a tall senior. One moment you’re just friends watching Falcon Crest, and the next you’re lying under the air hockey table with your bra in your pocket.

Dylan: Woah…

Hayley: Mom!


Luke: You hit my bone!

Phil: It was an accident!

Luke: I thought you were my friend!

Phil: I am your friend!

Hayley: Dad! Dad! Dad, you have got to talk to mom. She’s, like, completely freaking out and embarrassing me!

Phil: Well, honey, your mom isn’t always as cool about things as I- (BB gun goes off)

Dylan: Ow!

Phil: What is with this thing?! (drops gun; gets shot in the leg) Ow!


Scene: Pritchett-Tucker household


Mitchell: My dad… Uh, my dad still isn’t completely comfortable with… this. Um, he still does this thing – it’s been five years now – and he still does this thing where he announces himself before walking into any room we’re in, just to make sure he doesn’t ever have to see us kiss.

Cameron: Wish my mother had that system. Remember?

Mitchell: Not now.

(Cut back to scene)

Mitchell: I still can’t believe you did this to me.

Cameron: Would you get in the spirit of things? It’s a celebration. (doorbell rings)

Mitchell: Oh god.

Cameron: Okay. I’m gonna go get Lily ready. And I want you to just come straight out with it.

Mitchell: Alright.

Cameron: Okay? You can do this. (opens arms) Sports guy chest bump.

Mitchell: No.

Cameron: Sports guy chest bump.

Mitchell: Cam.

Cameron: (bumps Mitchell) Do it.

Mitchell: Alright, okay.

Cameron: Go.

Mitchell: Sorry. (takes deep breath; answers door) Hey!

Family: Hey!

Mitchell: How are you? (gets wine from Phil) Thank you.

Claire: Oh, don’t thank us. Open it; dad is coming right behind. (doorbell rings again)

Jay: We’re here! Coming in!

Mitchell: Don’t worry, dad. Nothing gay going on here. May I take your multi-coloured coat and bejewelled cap?

Jay: Yeah.

Phil: Hey, Jay.

Claire: Gloria, hi. How are you? Hi dad.

Phil: Hi Gloria. How are you? Oh, beautiful dress.

Gloria: Oh, thank you. Feel.

Phil: Okay. (starts feeling Gloria)

Claire: Phil. That’s how she says “Phil”. Not “feel”. “Phil”.

Phil: Oh.

Jay: So how was your trip?

Mitchell: It was good. It was good, actually, but, um, about that… I… I have something that I need to tell you guys. Um… uh, we didn’t just go to Vietnam for pleasure. We, uh… kinda have some big news.

Jay: Oh god, if Cam comes out here with boobs, I’m leaving.

Claire: Dad…

Hayley: I hope he didn’t embarrass you, mom.

Claire: Oh, don’t mind her. Hayley had her first boy over today and… Phil shot him.

Mitchell: …Anyway. Um… so about a year ago, Cam and I started feeling this longing, you know, for something more like, uh… maybe a baby?

Jay: Oooh, that’s a bad idea.

Mitchell: What do you mean “bad idea”?

Jay: Well, kids need a mother. I mean, if you two guys are bored, get a dog.

Mitchell: We’re not bored, dad.

Gloria: I support you, Mitchell, even though you’re not my son.

Claire: I-I-I think what dad is trying to say is that Mitchell, you’re a little uptight, kids bring chaos and you don’t handle it well.

Mitchell: Oh, uh, that’s not what dad is saying; that’s what you’re saying and it’s insulting in a whole different way.

Phil: Okay people, let’s all chillax.

Alex: Hey, where’s uncle Cameron?

Mitchell: Final- thank you. Thank you. Someone who’s not insulting me notices he’s not here.

Jay: Aaah, so that’s the big announcement, huh? You two broke up. Well, a baby wasn’t gonna help that anyway. And you know, let me tell you: you’re a lot better off because he was a bit of a drama queen.

Mitchell: Okay, no, no, no, stop! You come into my house and you insult me and my boyfriend who, by the way, is not that dramatic and- (“Circle of Life” starts playing; lights dim) Oh god… (Cameron enters carrying Lily; holds her up as spotlight shines on her) We adopted a baby. Her name is Lily.

Cameron: Isn’t it exciting?

Mitchell: Just turn it off.

Cameron: I can’t turn it off; it’s who I am.

Mitchell: The music.

Cameron: Oh, yes, the music. (turns it off) Come say hi to Lily! (Family fawns over Lily; Jay stands from afar)

Phil: Lily. Isn’t that gonna be hard for her to say?

Jay: Um, excuse me. Okay, I-I know that I said I thought this was a bad idea, but, uh… what do I know? I mean, it’s not like I wrote the book on fatherhood. I’ve been trying all my life to get it right; I’m still screwing up. Right, Manny?

Manny: I wrote a song about it in the car.

Jay: Of course you did. Uh… anyway, I’m happy for you and, uh, you should know that, uh, I’m not here to spit in your face; I’m here to blow at your back. (family’s confused) It’s supposed to sound better in Spanish.

Gloria:(repeats quote in Spanish)

Cameron: Ah, that’s beautiful.

Jay: Anyhow, Mitch…

Mitchell: No, dad, it’s… (takes Lily) Do you wanna meet grandpa?

Jay: Are you kidding? She’s one of us now. Let me see your little podsticker. Hey! You’re a cutie, aren’t you? Ah.


Jay: (reading Manny’s poem) “We’re from different worlds… yet we somehow fit together. Love is what binds us through fair and stormy weather. I stand before you now with only one agenda: to let you know my heart is yours, Feldman comma Brenda.” (laughs) I mean, seriously!

Phil: Luke so far, you know, hasn’t beaten me in basketball.

(Cut to Phil and Luke playing basketball)

Phil: It’s 2-0. It’s 2-0. (proceeds to score)

Phil: (after stopping Luke from scoring) Get that weak stuff out of my kitchen!

Phil: Do me a favour, just… (distracts Luke; scores) Boom! How’s the weather down there?


Phil: But, when they day comes that he does win – if, you know, if, when… he beats me – I’m just gonna be like, “Well done, well done.” Just, like, let him, just support him and that kinda stuff. I mean, I’m probably gonna wanna go, like, two out of three and just see what happens there.

May 2018
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